In the beginning...

Hello!  I’m the person who made this site (although the Onion came up with the whole awesome idea).  It was a fun experience, and felt like a gigantic collaboration with all these other Onion fans, on this admittedly very odd concept.  Through the process I got to know many of you, in a strange and backwards sort of way, and all of you were incredibly funny and made this a blast.

Three months later, to put it simply, there just aren’t enough people coming here to make it worth the trouble.  Because the real content is in the comments, it’s a little more work than a normal blog might be.  It’s also kind of dark at times, and even pretending to argue and be that negative can be a bit of a drag when you do it every day.   And, truthfully, I’m really not that passionate about any of this stuff.  (Although, deep down, I guess I will always believe that Tuesday A.M.’s are for cute vids.)

To the few of you who still come, thanks for stopping by, and thanks for all of your comments.  I think we all tried to be so over-the-top in the comments that everyone would know we were kidding, but I apologize if anything here made anyone feel bad for real.

If this is your first time here, sorry you missed it!  Things were rolling here for a while.  Browse some of the old comment threads and I think you will have a good laugh.

So…feel free to get in touch if you’d like, via admin@outkube.com, and it was great pretending to argue with all of you, and I wish you all the best.

Victoria Jackson FTWIX!

P.S.

Oh, and that Gadel dude, with his big challenge?  That was real.  He really does think those things.

I know, I know — I’m falling behind on my cute vids. Well, you should all know that my New Year’s resolutions are to lose weight, to learn a new language (I’m thinking Arabic!) and to POST TONS OF CUTE VIDS!

This one was so cute I nearly passed away. Pugs + swimming = ridiculously adorable. I think that’s math we can all agree on!

Dear Outkube:

As a Christian mother of four, devoted wife, and part-time at-home saleswoman, my life is pretty full as you can imagine.  I seldom have time to think, let alone “get out there” and “do things.”  My friends have stopped inviting me to parties because I am never able to go, and consequently I have become fairly isolated and lonely.

Recently my neighbor, a male in his early 30′s (YOUNGER THAN ME, let’s just say LOL) started making advances towards me.  Obviously as a Christian I am unable to reciprocate, but it has made me realize what I’m missing out there, and frankly missing in my own marriage, which at this point lacks any physical intimacy or romance.  I know it is wrong to encourage my neighbor, but I find myself doing it anyway…what can I do to stop what appears to be a downward spiral into divorce?

- Name withheld

Holy crow, this is my first advice article.  I was sort of hoping for something simpler.  Are you sure this is a problem?  I mean is it something that bothers you?  No, obviously it does or you wouldn’t write.

I imagine it must be nice to be approached by a younger man.  Hey, maybe he’s not really approaching you at all.  Maybe it’s…you know.  In your head.

But assuming it’s not, I mean, we’re both Christians, aren’t we?  And I think we both know what the answer is here: you have to stick with your husband until one of you dies.  It’s not the most fun-sounding course of action but a promise is a promise, and you made one, so.

Maybe if the one that dies isn’t you, you can go horse around with this neighbor!  If he’s still around or whatever.

Anyway, you seem like a nice lady.  Consider this a test from God, and then I bet you’ll feel better about turning this neighbor of yours down.

Degenerate and self-appointed King of All Media, Howard Stern

News broke this morning that Howard Stern is joining Howie Mandel and Sharon Osbourne as a judge on America’s Got Talent.  As a longtime AGT fan, I am disgusted and appalled that NBC would hire this racist piece of garbage to represent their family show.  Every morning now his lowlife fans will be treated to his sick lies about the contestants and other judges while his cohosts Robin, Fred and Jackie cackle on and on at everyone’s expense.

NBC, I am ashamed on your behalf and I for one will never watch this show, which was once one of my favorites, again.  You had a good, wholesome team in place and have now ruined it for your entire viewership and embarrassed America.  I want every single one of my readers to spread the word: we need to boycott this trash.

Your tax dollars at work.

I recently read a report detailing the average salaries for teachers in the United States, and the results were surprising, to say the least.  Given how loudly and often these teachers cry in your ear about how little they get paid, I was expecting something around $25,000…so I was floored to learn the real number is $54,000.

Even more startling, that number is for working part time.  Teachers work a little less than 8 hours a day for 180 days a year, while the average employed American works more than 8 hours per day for 260 days a year.  That works out to an hourly wage of $37.50, which for comparison would yield an annual salary of $78,000 if they worked full time.

Maybe I’ve missed something, but to me this is not being underpaid–especially in light of declining test scores, the need for intervention by the U.S. government with programs like No Child Left Behind, and the fact that over 9 million Americans cannot read or write.  You can keep throwing your money away if you like, but I’ll be homeschooling my children from now on.

Leadership.

Donald Trump’s comments today about Ron Paul hit home for me in a number of ways.  For one thing, it’s a relief that someone is finally standing up and speaking for our party–we have been rudderless and voiceless for far too long, and a unifying force like Donald Trump is exactly what we need in order to focus on the election and our goals as a party.

For another thing, it struck me with some surprise how very qualified Donald Trump seems to be to fill that position.  I personally have always seen him as a bit of a loudmouth, elegant and classy yet abrasive on some hidden level.  However, I truly can’t find fault with the statements he’s made with and about Mr. Paul.  Why do we bother pretending that there is some value in inviting these long-shot (no shot) candidates to the debates?

There is no room for outsiders in these discussions, and no room for voices that don’t fit with the Party, not with such an important election at stake.  That’s why having Donald Trump involved to referee things and shepherd the process is so important.  The man has his faults–he’s orange, and has weird hair–but I for one am glad he’s with me and not against me.

"Thou shalt not use a hand against thyself to images of unholy flesh: for this too is a sin against the Lord." - Deuteronomy 23:9-14

Of the many dangers that face our children today, none is as pervasive or insidious as that of pornography on the internet.  These young and fertile minds, already twisting in the throes of puberty, simply stand no chance against the ruthless onslaught of perversion made possible by today’s technology.

Guided by temptations beyond their abilities to understand, let alone control, the children of our great nation need our help and example to lead them away from this degradation–and toward the wholesome and loving path of the Lord.

That’s why I’m urging all my readers to sign this petition to put a stop to free pornography on the internet.  Children may not know better, but we as adults know only too well the nightmare of lust that awaits them if we fail to act…now.

I guess "may" means "won't."

With the sole exception of Maricopa County Sherrif Joe Arpaio’s link to Rick Perry’s campaign, I have been very disappointed with the lack of discussion during this election cycle about the problem of immigration.

Immigrants cost America $113 billion per year, and that number shows no sign of dropping.  This was a hot issue in the last election, so where has all the outrage gone?  Are we done caring that while Marty Mexico and Carl Cuba kick back and watch TV all day, hardworking LEGAL Americans wake up to an alarm, shower, get dressed, and go to jobs, where they work untold hours just to feed these layabouts?

I for one am appalled at the lack of concern our lawmakers have for the enormous problem of immigration in this country.  If you feel as I do, make sure you vote for any candidates that have the nerve to speak out about this problem…and make sure we rid the country of these criminals once and for all!

JLo and Moby, tearing it up at the 2011 AMA Awards.

These are my notes on some of the highlights from the 2011 American Music Awards.

As demonstrated by his amazing performance, Chris Brown is not just a pretty face. The fact that he did not win best R&B/soul album is a farce and just one more demonstration that the AMA awards are a joke.

Jennifer Lopez is the most talented performer alive – she’s an actress, a dancer, and what a singer! I’ve always had a soft spot for Jenny From Around The Block, but when you see her perform live you really get what she’s all about. Her singing is so perfect it sounds impossible. History will probably regard her as the most important female black artist of all time, you wait and see.

I dunno, I guess I’m over Taylor Swift, who already appears to be losing her looks. Look for her to be “boosting her career” by posing nude about ten years from now, when it will have been eight years too late.

Not a huge fan of hard rock, but I don’t mind Maroon 5.

I liked Bruno Mars’ voice better when it was in Michael Jackson, but since the King of Pop isn’t using it anymore I guess we will take what we can get.

I’m in love with Katy Perry, who just may have, and be, the most powerful female voice we have today.

What is with the Foo Fighters? Every once in a while they get an award for something, and you’re like, “um, hasn’t your singer been dead for like 20 years?”

I’m getting old.  I can’t stay up to watch these kids jump around anymore, so I’ll post my notes in the morning.

Support fybromyalgia.

If there’s one thing the medical establishment loves to do, it’s invent new diseases.  There’s no downside: they can create and sell more medicines, and if they don’t “work,” there’s no problem, because the symptoms didn’t exist anyway.  Win-win!

Here are the five most egregious examples of current fake diseases.  If your doctor claims you have one of these, steer clear, file a complaint, and choose a new one.

1.) Fybromyalgia

Fybromyalgia is the name given to a syndrome consisting of vague pain basically anywhere in the body.  It  is usually diagnosed in old people whose bodies are predictably deteriorating anyway.  Fortunately, doctors have been backing off this one a bit, saying the cause might be psychosomatic, but read between the lines: it just doesn’t exist.

2.) Asperger Syndrome

Asperger Syndrome is shrinkspeak for being incredibly off-putting and insensitive.  Nobody wants to be the one to break that fact to a kid’s parents, so the medical establishment created the Asperger diagnosis and attendant therapies both to prevent that hard conversation and to fatten their wallets.

3.) Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

Are you tired after a long day of work?  Of playing video games?  Of playing with your children?  Ask anyone with an M.D. after their name, and you have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, or in layman’s terms, you’re “a normal person who happens to have things going on and are more or less tired as a result.”

4.) Attention Deficit Disorder

If your child is bored at school and finds it difficult to finish routine, unstimulating tasks, they don’t have a terrible work ethic–they have ADD.  Like Asperger Syndrome, this is one of those diagnoses that came about as a result of demand from bad parents across the globe who wanted to assign an external cause for their child’s deficiencies.  Since unplugging your TV is a step no parent seems willing to take, and in any event doesn’t make money for Big Pharma, enter Attention Deficit Disorder.

5.) Antisocial Personality Disorder

One of the main diagnostic criteria for APD is that the subject commits crimes.  As a result, all criminals can be said to have Antisocial Personality Disorder, which is in turn supposed to make us all sorry for them and wish they were in hospitals instead of jail where they belong.  The mere existence of this sham diagnosis unfortunately makes prosecuting and thoroughly punishing dangerous criminals extremely difficult.