I’m so over poor people.

God, enough already.

I’m a pretty upbeat person, but there’s one thing that really gets me down: poor people.  Obviously it must be boring and horrible to be poor, but for some reason they seem intent on inflicting that on all the rest of us.  The clear solution, which plainly misses basically every poor person there is, is to get a well-paying job, yet they persist on not doing that.

Meanwhile, those of us who are not poor are left holding the bag, as most government-funded programs are designed to address the “needs” of our nation’s poor, leaving them apparently with sufficient surplus income to purchase cable, computers, smartphones, and cars.

In the spirit of giving and in hopes of turning around a life or two, here are some pointers for poor people that should help them get started on the right track:

  • Consider moving to a different country.  This would have the simultaneous benefit of increasing the average income in the U.S., and also allowing you to cash in your 401(k) and use it to buy a house, as the American dollar goes farther in other countries.
  • Get a better job.  If the job you have now doesn’t pay you as much money as you’d like, just get a different job that does.  If you like the job you have, just ask your boss for a raise!
  • Have fewer children.  Children cost like a half a million dollars each when all is said and done, so if you have fewer of them you can stretch that family dollar even more.
  • Make sure you have health insurance!  Doctor visits add up pretty quickly, so make sure you pick up health insurance to bring those costs down.  And finally:
  • Cheer up!  I know it’s stupid and boring to be poor, but would it kill you to put a smile on?  :)

74 thoughts on “I’m so over poor people.

  1. Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

    these are some tips and let’s hope some of the people here arent too much in love with licking their own assholes and asking the govertment for a subsidy to enjoy your wisdom. here’s one more. it has multiple part so most of you all ownt get it.

    6. a) get a gun
    b) get a signt that says “I am 99″
    c) wat for someone to ask you why you dont look for a job
    d) run with it

  2. Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

    So what does it mean when I read this article that’s supposed to piss me off but I find myself agreeing with everything that’s in it?

  3. Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

    I’m an asshole because I think it’s fair to ask the people who are receiving my charity to pitch in and try to do one or two basic things to improve their situation?

    • Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

      No, you’re an asshole because you deliberately turn a blind eye to the fact that there are multiple factors at play which prevent these people from doing those “one or two basic things.”

      • Thumb up 0 Thumb down 2

        And I would argue that you’re the asshole, because you allow these people to continue using the same excuses they’ve been using for a hundred years to explain away their laziness, while my paycheck is cut in fucking half in order to fund it.

        • Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

          Your paycheck is a fiction. You were never going to make the salary you have been assigned, not today, not yesterday, not tomorrow. The entire economy, your expectations, your spending, all of it is based on the fact that there are taxes. Taxes are nothing new and to complain about them demonstrates your willing ignorance.

          • Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

            I laughed out fucking loud when I read that, and I would bet my entire “fictional” salary that you are not a business owner. The difference between what I am promised and what I receive is paid by the company that employs me; the company then has to charge its customers more for goods and services, and then those goods and services cost me more money. Higher taxes = higher cost of goods and lower available spending money. Lower taxes = lower cost of goods and more spending money. I am not complaining about a fiction, I am explaining a fucking fact.

          • Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

            As I slide my engorged penis effortlessly into Jerry’s wife’s puckered, furry anus, her bare feet cool against my legs, her dark hair damp with perspiration and desire, I think to myself, “you know, if they hadn’t raised the price by two cents, I might even be wearing a condom right now.”

          • Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

            As I slide my engorged penis effortlessly into 99%’s puckered, furry anus, his bare feet cool against my legs, his dark hair damp with perspiration and desire, I think to myself, “you know, if they hadn’t raised the price by two cents, I might even be wearing a condom right now.”

        • Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

          Jerry, after reading your posts I’m pretty sure I am in favor of retroactive abortions, starting with you.

  4. Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

    Jerry: do the rest of the world a favor: take a bath in your wondrous salary, and choke on it.

    • Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

      This country was built by the middle class. If it was built by the poor, that would mean they had jobs, and therefore have money, and are not poor: Take a bath in your wondrous ignorance, and choke on it.

  5. Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

    @Jerry, great analysis! If, of course, money paid in taxes disappeared into thin air, which it…obviously…doesn’t.

  6. Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

    Big LOL to all of you who think that you have a sufficient grasp of economics to understand, let alone comment on, the U.S. economy.

    • Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

      The problem is that there are to many self appointed pseudo intellectual experts such as yourself that don’t realize that they are actually less knowledgeable than their overinflated egos allow them to believe.

      • Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

        How about a job enslaving the human race with your mind control devices? Oh wait. That’s your job!!! Bill “Big Brother” Gates is watching you!!!! That’s why you called it Windows isn’t it? You use it to peer into everyone’s personal lives and spy on them!!!!! Fascist!!!!

  7. Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

    What’s up with poor homeless people living in the North? Why wouldn’t grab your cart of “treasures” and head south? It’s f’ing cold here….

    • Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

      I know, right? One thing the homeless have that they never seem to take advantage of, and it’s freedom. Go to the Keys or some shit, don’t freeze your cox off in Boston.

  8. Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

    POOR PEOPLE ALWAYS HAVE THE BEST DRUGS BUT THEY SHOULD MOVE BACK TO POORLAND OR SHOOT LOTS OF ASIAN PEOPLE LIKE RAMBO. WE NEED A WAR TO CREATE JOBS.

  9. Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

    Where is the popup window? I was promised there would be a pop-up window and a cake!
    Where is my cake?

    You are the worst site evar!

  10. Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

    i thnk ti wuld b best if u culd hav ppl do htingSs 4 they’re jobs n sooo thy dnt hav 2 b homless 2 paya monny $$$ n 4 workngi 2 liv in a huosE :D Cuz sum ppl cn do that butt sum need t mare n mor $$$ monney :( (

  11. Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

    I take umbrage at your suggestion that poor people should have less children. The poor have just as much right to procreate as the rest of society. Some of the greatest leaders and thinkers in history have emerged from complete poverty: Abraham Lincoln, Nelson Mandela, Mohandas Ghandi, Charles Dickens, Johannes Vermeer to name a few. That’s why I only shack up with homeless vagabonds. Who knows? Maybe that scraggly drunk with piss stains on his shirt who’s keeled over behind the dumpster of cheap motel might be the father of a future Einstein or Beethoven?

  12. Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

    If we give more money to poor people, all they do is spend it on fancy athletic shoes and low-rider cars. Lets face it. Poor people are idiots. Its why they are poor.

  13. Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

    I found out something neat today. Not all poor people are Negroes! I was downtown to get some work done at the office and I saw one of the bums sitting there with a sign that said “NATIVE AMERICAN VETERAN, OUT OF WORK”. I came up to him and said “Hey, Kemosabe, what’s up? Low on the wampum lately, are you?” Instead of saying anything civil like a real person would, he started screaming obscenities and advancing on me in a very threatening manner.

    I was terrified and retreated, yelling “Me come in peace! Me bring peace pipe!” In a move far more reminiscent of the swarthy, conniving Mexican rather than the tradition of the noble red savage, the man slid out a switchblade from his back pocket and stated very clearly, “I am going to kill you.”

    I did the only thing I could and screamed for help. Thankfully, there was an officer of the law not a half block away. He yelled “get down” and unloaded the entire contents of his service weapon at the spitting and slashing beast.

    It was like a Western. One of the officer’s round struck the red man full on in the chest, dropping him like a sack of potatoes. He came running over; I thanked him, or tried to, only to have my congratulations rebuffed with an angry – frankly I hesitate to commit such words to print – he told me to “go fuck myself”.

    After turning out the dead man’s pockets and pocketing the money the red thief had purloined from so many passerby, the officer told me to get in the fucking car (his words) and he took me downtown to our wonderful jail.

    A bunch of officers asked me questions that went on for hours. They did not seem to believe my story and kept asking me to repeat what I’d said to the redskin. I told them repeatedly. Finally, with a couple of wholly unnecessary comments such as “are you for fucking real?” and “My God, I’m not sure we should let him back out on the streets, I mean, he’s a clear and present danger to himself, am I right?”, they finally let me go.

    At any rate, friends, be careful. The black homeless folks will, at worst, rouse their heads to spit at you, but they go no farther. This Native American, or Mexican or whatever it was, is clearly far more motivated and far more dangerous than the average poor person. Thought you all should know.

    • Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

      Dude, you really should have been the one shooting that Mongolian yourself. How long are liberals going to let poison like these people invade our societies and fuck our women? Don’t blame the women for their choice in animals, women can barely think for themselves at any rate. The real problem is the blacks and mexicans and those fucking chinks and Japs who want to start World War 3. I MEAN REALLY! WHEN ARE PEOPLE GOING TO WAKE UP AND REALIZE THESE FUCKERS WANT OUR JOBS, OUR WOMEN, AND THE GODDAMN ROOFS OVER OUR HEADS? DID YOU KNOW, SOME OF THESE FUCKERS CAN’T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH? THEY CAN’T EVEN SPEAK THE TONGUE OF JESUS CHRIST AND THEY WANT TO LIVE HERE LIKE THAT’S NOT A PROBLEM. I SAY DEATH PENALTY TO ALL OF THEM.

      • Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

        jesus was jewish until slayed, it stands to reason he did not speak english much less a slang filled language I call american.

  14. Thumb up 0 Thumb down 1

    Jesus, is this article ever preaching the truth. If you don’t have a job, that’s your fault! Since only liberals can’t find jobs these days, maybe it’s time to stop being part of that outdated and racist organization? Liberals take our jobs, spit in our faces, and use the money they get from robbing the Job Creator class to sodomize babies. Isn’t it time to stop these pigs?

    • Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

      Shut up
      Stoopid
      Thit is all your fault that ypur country has a defective
      Politic system
      And jesus wont save you he is
      FUking dead

      • Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

        WAT Y u saY dis NOT COOL bro. U shuld go BACK to uR gay a$$ CHRUCH and praey to UR DUMBA$$ GOD BITHEZZ.

  15. Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

    I think the author of this article is overlooking the valuable contributions that poor people make to society. Without poor people, who else would I perform my horrifying medical experiments on?

  16. Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

    homie dont preach what u dont dish out. i happens to knos dat u’s a bum on da street wit no job. wai u hatin on ur own kind??? u ashamed??? dats hipocrisy yo!!!

  17. Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

    Awww, that lady in the picture looks like she’s down in the dumps =) Get it? Get it? Huh? See what I did there?

  18. Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

    OP is one dumb mother fucker. “Just get a job.” “Just buy a house.” “Just ask for a raise.”

    Yeah, “Hey homeless guy, just get a house”.

    OP I hope you fuck up someday and loose your inheritance someone must have left you.